hi readers.. today is 31-08-2010.. the natioanal day of malaysia.. as well as my mum's birthday.. all malaysian are celebrating this day as there's no tomorrow.. in fact, at this moment 2:43am, im sure that they are still celebrating.. gather a huge number of people from any part of the country.. walking here & there without concrete reason & destination.. ive trough that moment before, but as im getting older & matured, there's nothing special of it.. as for me, and family members most of the time we spend our off-day at home.. celebrating my mum's birthday.. she was 54 this year since being born on 31-08-1956.. a year earlier than the official national day.. nothing much for me to do tonite.. just wishing my mum on the moment..
i think ive being change drastically for the past few years.. i do realize that.. i'm not the real me back then.. but i dunno what cause me that.. im once a very hyper person, always laughing no matter what time & location, and a very playful person.. i didnt think much about the future, about the world.. plus, to be honest, i didnt this much about my family.. i just want to enjoy myself doing what i want with my friends.. but to be more specifically, being with other who are in-the-same head with me.. we doesnt care about the world, about what the consequence of the thing we are doing back then to the future that we are living right now.. it is really affecting.. trust me..
but thank God, when times goes by, He start to open my heart to be more sensitive about certain thins in life.. 1st of all, about my family.. i cant explain how grateful i am to be born as the Salleh's.. to be & to have my parent and my siblings.. i do admit theres some situation that it really hurt & bad day getting trough between us.. but im still thank God for the opportunity that He gave to me.. to be here, to be part of the world.. it is all the world game, and we are the player..
im getting more silent & deadful.. i spend most of my time being silent, at the office, home & while being with my friends.. but at the same time, i can be dangerous when my mouth start to open.. almost most of the word im using currently can easily break someone heart.. im less humor than ever.. i didnt do the thing ive being doing previously.. my life getting schedule, day by day.. and now i do realize that i didnt given myself my own time.. everything that i do right now, is for something, for someone.. who are near & close to me.. maybe this situation happen because ive start to learn life, start to love deeply about something, and start to appreciate whan He's gave to me.. im getting focus person, who will focus 100% on what ive being doing at time..
i sacrifice my own life.. didnt give space & time for myself.. everything i do is not for me.. nothing is for me.. it is to fulfill someone need, someone dream, someone wish.. while back then, ive plan my own life by myself.. on what i gonna be for the next 5-10 year after i finish my study.. what i wanna do, what i wanna wear, on how i decorate my own life to be on what i want.. but it didnt happen.. when the time come, everything is changing.. not a thing that stick to the plan.. but i still make it going as i dunno which best for me.. because we need to remember that everything happen to us, is God permission.. all have been written.. He know which better for me, even it is not what i want.. so i just go with the flow.. float to where the river brings me.. and here im now..
He work in very complicated way which it is outside our mind can catch up with.. He show what life about little by little.. maybe He don't want he to get shocked & can't accept the reality.. the life i've been living is totally a fake.. in front of me, everything look so fine.. but be careful because u need to look things on the otherside.. then only you'll know the truth.. and the truth is the ugliest thing when you knew it.. watch every step on life @ a person.. look at the movement.. whether u notice @ not, it show u the secret that u can't even imagine..
as im a normal human being, i didnt miss to do mistake.. i admit that.. theres a lot of mistake & sin ive been doing before this.. and all that is being pay-back to me.. one by one.. it was really hurt that what u are doing, which is not what u've plan for urself, but for others, did make it.. it really hurt.. u are doing thing for someone, & it turn ur back.. while it is not for u.. everything change my friend.. bear it in mind.. dun u ever expect that the thing that u get @ own will last forever.. it just not yours, it belong to Him.. from now on, we need to set in mind not to trust anything in this world.. there are all temporary.. today it was yours, don't get crazy when tomorrow it was others.. it happen..
so what i think the best way is to stay away from others.. and live my own life.. all the people surround u is a liar.. never trust anyone.. the only that u can trust is Allah.. and only love for Him is permanent until the end of life.. so, don't trust anybody.. i'm starting to do what ive been missing a few years ago.. the thing that i like.. my long lost hobby.. the real me that being someone else he didn't even know.. i will do what i want to do.. this may sound selfish, heart breaker & annoying to certain people.. but thats the correct thing to do.. as others never think & bother about u, about ur feeling, about ur thought on whatever they want to do.. do bear in mind that this life is too short to give it all for something..
there will be no more trust.. try to imagine when people try to get hide from u.. try to get away from u.. the question is why? well before this it was all open between each other, now it getting private & confidential.. every password changed, all the application for finding is cancel, all the event & plan didn't been told accordingly & as detail it should be, etc.. and again, the question is why? back then it was said that u need to do this, u have to walk this way, u suppose to look forward for the future.. suddenly it seem fading.. fading like it was not meant to be ur future.. seems like it doesn't have to be the way it is now.. why? if u are not certain about ur heart, if u are not ready to end all the freedom & happiness that u get now, if u afraid to step to the next level, then y u want it to be as it like now?
and the worst part when all the setup already being done, and the dateline i just around the corner, the more chaos occur & fighting on outsider issue? is this the way it should be? is this the situation that every people face when they are in our shoes now? i don't have any idea about that.. only God know why.. every moment i been praying for the best.. asking God to show me the correct path.. which route should i take, what should i do.. there are so many problem come & happen lately.. seems like this is not the way i should take.. but i don't know whether it is right @ wrong.. until at some time, i been like a crazy people.. my mind is empty.. there's no more for me, i can't take this anymore.. dear God, please show me the truth and guide me to the way i should go, to be under Your grace at all time..
i accept anything in my life, i know You know way much better than me.. on what's best for me.. at this point of time, i will try to accept anything that You are meant me to be.. i know it will hurt me badly.. but if all the things i have today, is not mine literally, with an open arms, i left it to You to take it away from me.. coz i know that what ever it was written in my life, must be a good reason on it, plus it for my own good.. i do admit that they are many outsider suddenly come in my life from anywhere i can't imagine.. i push it away, because for me my time has come.. i am not sure if that is one of Your test to me, or Your sign for me on what's best & meant to me.. i don't care much, coz i know You will be there for me at anyplace ^ anytime.. You are the Almighty, You can make it happen if You want to..
from now on, i wont care about others, i will only care about me, myself & i.. i want to be the real me.. not the poser me.. not the acting me.. u can do what ever u want, whatever u like.. i wont bother.. but please respect on what i am.. nothing is permanent, including me.. now ure reading my thought, maybe the next day u'll be reading yassin & the talkin for me.. =') for all friends & viewer out there (if there is any), what i've write here has nothing to do to with anyone @ anything.. this is just a expression of a poor human i am..
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